The Greatest E-mail of all-time

Last night, one of my friends from college sent me a link to an email that former Redskins long snapper Ethan Albright sent to EA Sports & John Madden. Enjoy this because this is hysterical & historically funny at the same time. Enjoy!! An image of excellence. To: John Madden CC: Electronic Arts Sports From: Ethan Albright Re: Being the worst rated player on Madden ‘07 Hi, John, my name is Ethan Albright. I play line for the Washington Redskins. You probably already knew that, so I’ll continue. I am writing in regards to the overall player rating of 53 that I have received in Madden NFL Football 2007. I feel that this is fucking bullshit and you should kiss my mother-fucking ass. Ahmed Carroll was rated a 78 and the Packers just cut his ass on a Tuesday morning after his performance in a Monday night game. That is pretty terrible. The worst part is that his overall rating was sniffing 80. You know what, John? Two can play this game. I rate you a fucking 12. I rate you a fucking 12 in Ethan Albright Football 2000-ever… except for in the category of ball-licking. That is where I will spot you a 98 rating. You will receive this score because I will never give your blubbery ass a 99 in any category. Take that, pencil-dick. Go do Al Micheals or something. Boom. Score one for Red Beard. It’s also pretty wonderful that my awareness rating was 59. You make it sound like I wake up in the morning, helplessly shit and piss myself, then lose three of my teeth before I discover that I am trying to eat a rock for breakfast. Fuck, John, I understand you saying that I am slow and lacking athleticism, but a rating like this pretty much labels me as retarded. Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has a 52 in this category. Electronic Arts is saying that seven rating points separate me and the breathing embodiment of the perfect oxymoron. Rod Smart struggled to arrange words in sentence form. Cave men had better hold of the English language. The only actions that separate point values of ignorance at this embarrassing level are things like using your own toothbrush to wipe your ass. I basically edged out Rod by my lack of shit teeth. If I take a night school class, could you bump me up to a 60? I guess I just can’t fathom the fact that I am the absolute worst player rated out of the entire NFL. Fuck, man, there are some shitty guys out there. Amongst everyone, I was rated the absolute worst. I have received the impression that you feel that I am lacking in the agility category. I should consider a walk through my living room where I don’t crash trough a wall or kick over furniture a resounding success. My agility rating on your game is 33. It makes it sound like I just topple over if I start walking too fast. Ted Washington is rated a 40 in agility. He is listed at 365 pounds. If Ted Washington tied a white lady up and made her wear a metal bikini, he’d look just like Jabba the Hut. Red Alert! John, you are such a fucking dick. I also noticed that my kick return rating was a 0. I was rated a fucking zero? So you feel that I shouldn’t even receive a 10, or even a 5? You are pretty much saying that I couldn’t even fall forward on a ball kicked in my direction. I would just stand there and let the ball bounce off of my fucking face. Fuck that, John, I returned an onside kick 6 yards in 2002. You should have just slapped a - 4 on me and had the EA staff ambush me with paintball guns. Finally, I would like to comment on an unlikely topic, my pass coverage ratings. I see that I am a better at man-to-man coverage (31) than zone (21). Fuck me sideways with a lunchbox. Where did these scores even come from? How much time is spent coming up with the pass coverage ratings of offensive lineman? Can I have that job? Let’s see here, I think that Orlando Pace would be slightly better at jumping intermediate routes than Larry Allen. While I’m at it, I can assign the passing ratings for offensive lineman as well. I can use mine as a guide. I was rated with a throwing power of 17 and accuracy of 16. Orlando Pace is has a 22 power and 17 accuracy rating. Did someone at EA really put time into figuring out that Orlando Pace edges out Ethan Albright in both throwing power and accuracy? I will challenge him any day. My horrible passer ratings are of greatest misfortune to my son, Red Beard Jr. The poor boy is not only hideously ugly and covered by freakishly large freckles. He also has to suffer through playing catch with me and my senile-elderly-woman-type passer ratings. A session of tossing the pigskin usually consists of me missing my son by thirty yards in sporadic directions. I led him in front of a fire truck once and my wife kicked my ass. This is because of my 76 toughness rating. Yes, a 76 is far better than the other ratings, but I’m a fucking lineman, damn it. NFL Linemen are considered to be synonymous with toughness. According to your game, I am a retarded, uncoordinated, pussy-ass fuckwad that can’t fall on a kickoff, throw, or spell. I am, however, slightly better at manning up on a receiver than dropping into zone coverage. You lose your mind more and more each year, old man. When I'm not snapping balls, I snap necks. Fuck you, John. Please expect to find red pubes in various meals you consume for the rest of your life. If you fuck with Ethan Albright, you call down the thunder. Rot in Hell, Ethan Albright

Trading Places

If you haven't heard by now, the sweepstakes for the services of future Hall of Fame quarterback Peyton Manning is all but said and done.  Manning will sign a reported 5 year, $95 million deal this week with the Denver Broncos.  With the impending signing, team president John Elway has said that the team will seek to trade former starting quarterback Tim Tebow.  It has to be a melancholy day in Denver.  In one hand, they're trading away the quarterback won the AFC West division, took them to the playoffs, won a playoff game against the defending AFC Champ Pittsburgh Steelers & started "Tebowmania." In the other hand, Denver is getting possibly the greatest quarterback in NFL history.  With that being said, here's 3 possible teams that could use Tebow's services:

1.) Jacksonville Jaguars:  This team is in need of a jolt to re-start their franchise in the right direction.  Blaine Gabbert had a less than stellar rookie season & the team's only bright spots were Maurice Jones-Drew & their improving defense.  However, the rumors are swirling around that the new owner will attempt to move to Los Angles in the near future.  Bringing in Tebow could be the only way that could keep the Jags in Jacksonville.

2.)  Miami Dolphins:  They lost the bid for Manning & recently lost Matt Flynn to the Seahawks.  There's no secret that they need a quarterback. Chad Henne didn't get it done & Chad Pennington is too injury prone & had only one good season with the Dolphins.  Tebow's skill set could work with the Dolphins only if new head coach Joe Philbin is willing to work with Tebow (and being patient) & get him adjusted to the wide open offense that brought Green Bay their 4th Super Bowl title in 2010.

3.)  Denver Broncos:  If John Elway decides to have a change of heart (I seriously doubt it), he can bring back Tebow as a backup to Manning & he can learn as an apprentice to Manning for the next few years.  Learning behind Manning could benefit Tebow's transition to an everyday NFL quarterback.  

In the end, Elway didn't believe that Tebow could take Denver to the next level on a consistent level.  That's why Tebow will be soon on the trading block but, Elway shouldn't be so quick to let Tebow go because the guy did win him a division title & a playoff game.  As for Manning, I'm still confused on why he chose Denver over San Francisco.  The 49ers have the weapons needed that would get them over the final hurdle & in the Super Bowl.  When the ink dries up on Manning's new contract, all eyes will be on Peyton, not Eli, once again.

A New Hope

It's official: the St. Louis Rams have traded the #2 pick to the Washington Redskins, who held the #6 pick in the upcoming NFL Draft in April. Immediately as the news broke out, the social networks were set on fire with negative & positive comments.  Let's get a few things straight right off the bat.  First, living in the DC area, the 'Skins haven't had a franchise quarterback since Joe Theismann. That means this town has been waiting for a consistent quarterback since Mark Rypien left.  This city has seen more turnover than in Congress when it comes to the quarterback position.  Second, RGIII represents a new hope to an organization that's been in search for consistency & simply a winner.  The days of Daniel Snyder playing fantasy football with Vinny Cerato are a thing of the past & they are building a team the right way; through the draft & smart free agent signings.  What the Redskins did to acquire the #2 pick is what I call the cost of doing business.  Its the Michael Jordan theory in a dumb downed way.  Either you draft him (RGIII) & roll the dice or sit back & watch RGIII be a star with another team.

 In no way am I making RGIII sound like he's Luke Skywalker, because he isn't.  RGIII is gonna have the pressure on him, but it won't be as tremendous as it will be on Andrew Luck.  The position that Luck will be going into will be more scrutiny than any other.  He's replacing arguably the greatest quarterback of the decade in Peyton Manning, who was recently released by the Colts on Tuesday.  Peyton won a Super Bowl, broke many records & elevated a losing team to Super Bowl contender in his 14 years of service. When its all said & done, it was a real bold & risky move by the Redskins to give up a lot for RGIII, but it was a move that has been sitting idle since 1995 (remember Heath Shuler anyone?)

Who's to blame for BountyGate?

The newest scandal that has the football world buzzing is the alleged bounty system that former Saints defensive coordinator Gregg Williams operated during his time in New Orleans.  Williams was recently hired by the St. Louis Rams & reunited him with former Titans head coach Jeff Fisher.  According to some current and former Saints players, Williams offered up to $8,000 for hurting star offensive players.  It was an extra incentive for his defense to improve their play & its been reported that he implemented the program during their Super Bowl season in 2009 as well.  The Saints' defense was ranked in the mid-20s every season when Williams ran the defense so its hard to say how effective the program was, if it existed.  The Saints aren't the only ones being investigated for the program.  The Washington Redskins are being investigated as well.  Williams was the defensive coordinator with the Redskins during the second run of Hall of Fame coach Joe Gibbs from 2004-2007.  During Williams' tenure with the Redskins, the defense was ranked in the top 10 in three of the four seasons he was there.  The fallout of the investigation could have serious consequences should the allegations are found to be true.

For starters, the Saints & Redskins could lose draft picks in the upcoming draft in April and in future drafts as well.  Now, the NFL's dark secret program is being pushed back into the spotlight again.  This practice is nothing new to football at all.  During the 1985 Super Bowl run of the Chicago Bears, Buddy Ryan implemented the bounty program on every team to ensure their title as the greatest defense of all-time.  He also made it public when he became the head coach of the Philadelphia Eagles during the late 1980s and early 1990s. More recently, the Baltimore Ravens defense as a whole, placed a bounty on wide receiver Hines Ward for his dirty hits on Ravens defenders during the height of their heated rivalry.  In that case, the NFL sent a memo stating that if a bounty was real that they would be suspended.  Even though the Ravens didn't get to Ward, they got to Rashad Mendenhall instead during his rookie season.  Ray Lewis broke Mendenhall's shoulder that put him out of the season.

In this case, its clear that somebody in the Saints organization or within the defense had it out for Williams and decided to start talking.  This also brings in the question of dealing with issues within the locker room.  Even from my playing days, anything that occurred within the confines of the team, stayed with the team.  Knowing that, the code of silence has been broken, and now the Saints and Gregg Williams will pay a serious consequence for a practice that's been in existence for decades.  Let the blame game begin.

No "Mania" Needed for "Killa Cam" Newton

Tebow-Mania, Lin-Sanity...words made up by ESPN.  How can people describe what Rookie of the Year Cam Newton has done in his 1st full season in Carolina then?  It's simply nothing short of amazing.  A team that was 2-14 the year before has become one of the must-watch teams in the league outside of Denver, New England, & Green Bay (I know I forgot a few but you get the point).

In probably the greatest one and done in college sports history, Cam won the Heisman Trophy & a National Championship while facing an NCAA investigation about his recruitment to Auburn.  Many analysts, primarliy Todd McShay, said Newton would struggle transitioning to a pro-style offense, he was wrong as usual (that's why I'll listen to Mel Kiper, Jr.) Newton had one of the greatest rookie seasons as a quarterback, breaking Peyton Manning's rookie record for most passing yards in a season opener (400), throwing for 4,000 in a rookie season, and winning the Rookie of the Year award over surprise Bengals quarterback Andy Dalton.

 Unfortunately, ESPN was stuck on Tebow-Mania & forgot about Cam Newton, which leads to the debate: who would want to build a team around: Tebow-Mania or Cam Newton? (or the nickname I gave him "Killa Cam" Newton).  Ok, Tebow led the Broncos to the playoffs & a upset of Pittsburgh, but his flaws are often ignored by the general public, (which got exposed in a brutal playoff loss to New England) while the hype machine known as ESPN glorifies his every move.  On the other hand, Cam has quietly gotten better as the season went along & is becoming the most gifted quarterback in the last few years based off of physical attributes & the "it" gene.  Tebow started ahead of Cam at Florida and forced Cam to transfer after a season filled with off the field troubles.  It's safe to say that Tebow & Urban Meyer knew that Cam was talented enough to win based off of skill alone.  Next season could be career definding for both Tebow & Cam.  Can Tebow live up to the mythical expectations that social media & ESPN put upon him or will Cam continue showing why that there must be substance to balance the hype?  In any way, in a one game, winner take all situation, I'll take "Killa Cam" over Tebow-Mania & here's the reason why: even Hulkamania eventually played itself out too...

The Decision: The Peyton Manning Edition

March 8th is looming & doomsday is coming...for Colts fans that is.  Will Jim Irsay send Peyton packing or keep him on a reduced salary?  Since Lebron's decision, this decision will have a serious ripple effect throughout the league.  Should Peyton leave, one of the teams that want & need his talents is the Washington Redskins.  Here's the Pros & Cons:

Pros:  The 'Skins could be getting the deadliest player in league history.  Manning destroys teams not just with his arm but with his mind.  In some cases, when Manning comes to the line & going through the dummy calls, he's already won the war by thinking 10 steps ahead.  He would instantly make players like Leonard Hankerson & Fred Davis Pro Bowl material & could bring in worthy free agents such as Vincent Jackson, Marques Colston, ReggieWayne, or DeSean Jackson (don't be surprised if D.Jackson hits the market). Also, the offensive line would be held personally held accountable if anyone breathes on Manning.  Here's a big factor: the 'Skins would be a serious contender in the NFC East & with them sweeping the Super Bowl champs Giants this past season & playing the Cowboys tough twice this season, only the Eagles would stand in the way.  Finally, the 'Skins would get 2 or 3 good years out of Manning if he's healthy. RG3 would def. benefit from watching Peyton Manning play a little before he's handed the throne (should he be picked up by the 'Skins that is).

Cons:  Peyton is coming off neck surgery.  He's one bad hit away from being finished for good.  Second, the 'Skins offensive line is suspect (see the 9 times John Beck was sacked against the Bills) & would it be healthy enough to protect Peyton.  The defensive lines of the NFC East are some of the best with the Giants, Eagles & Dallas sending Pro Bowlers every season.

In all, Peyton holds all the cards should he get his walking papers from the Colts. This might be the biggest off-season in sports since Lebron left to take his talents down to South Beach.

P.S.: If Peyton came to the 'Skins, he could make Eli's life a living hell for the next few seasons...twice a season. (For the record, Peyton is 2-0 all-time against Eli).

Which Way is Up?

Despite another losing season under the Shanahan administration, the Redskins showed that their future is very bright within the division & in the league.  One of the biggest surprises was rookie running back Roy Helu from Nebraska.  The young gun showed flashes of what could be a great career with his slept on speed & versatility.  With the return of Tim Hightower in question, Helu will be a key component along side fellow rookie running back Evan Royster in the continued progression of the offense.  Going into his second season, Helu will go through OTAs without any lockout looming & will be able to get to become a major factor going into next season.  The future hasn't looked this bright since the 2005 playoff run.